Resident Evil: Director's Parody!
by Evil and Hunter
Summary: A parody of the Resident Evil Remake! Hunter and Evil are two dimwitted S.T.A.R.S. Members who tagged along on the Raccoon Mansion Mission. Let's just say they dont exactly make the operation a breeze either...Rated T for language Check it out for a laugh


Jill, Barry, and Wesker had just entered the mysterious mansion. They were lucky enough to escape the bizarre animals trying to rip them limb from limb. Jill had wondered what the hell was going on, never had she seen ANY type of dog, just rip apart a human being just as the ones outside had done to Joseph. She'd just finished examining their surroundings when Barry spoke up,

"What is this place?". All three S.T.A.R.S. were silent. Wesker responded,

"Not quite your ordinary house, that's for sure."

It was then Jill noticed their missing comrade,

"Hey Wesker, where's Chris?", she knew he wouldn't have an answer, but asking somehow made her feel better. Jill cared for Chris entirely too much, she couldn't stand the thought of losing him. She started towards the front door when Barry stopped her,

"Jill, no. You don't want to go back out there!"

A gunshot was heard from their left,

"What was that?!", Barry asked out of pure reflex. Jill froze and turned a ghostly white, her fear was getting to her. Wesker noticed Jill's reaction and couldn't resist,

"...Chris?", he looked at Jill. Jill's first response was the feeling of terror, which had been confirmed by Wesker's words.

"NO!", she yelled. Wesker realized Jill was in a state of panic, perfect, he decided it would be easy to take advantage of her,

"Jill, go and investigate."

Without a second thought Ms. Valentine started towards the door on the far left wall, and behind she heard Barry tell Wesker,

"I'm going with her. Chris and I go back a long way…".

Wesker sighed,

"Alright. You two go. I'll secure this area."

**Thirty Minutes Earlier!**

"Stupid jerks, why'd they have to leave us behind?" said the eldest of the two as they made their way down the road.

"Dunno, maybe because last time we blew up the armored car...." the youngest bit into a snickers bar and let the wrapper fly out of the window.

"Hey. don't do that. Might hurt a little squirrel or something." the driver turned on the high beam headlights.

Suddenly-- a tiny animal ran out in front of them and the driver couldn't swerve. The two hear the tiny thud under the vehicle and they both pulled over.

"Oh no!" cried the driver, she never killed anything before. She jumped out of the car and ran over to the little body.

"A baby squirrel!" squealed the youngest as she picked it up. The body was torn up and she saw it's bloody muscles glisten in the head lights.

"OH NO!!" choked out the eldest as she started to cry. "Poor little guy!" she went to touch the slaughtered animal, but it's head jerked up and tried to snap at her fingers. Furious, the girl took her gun and clubbed it over the head, "You're dead now, shit head!"

"Suzanne, you're so cruel!" cried the girl as she tossed the squirrel aside. As the animal was sailing through the air, a dog came up and caught it in it's mouth. The canine shook it's head and the meat of the squirrel started flying everywhere.

"EW!!" screamed the two girls in unison as the meat his their clothing. They ran for the car and got back inside. Suzanne put the car in gear and hit her foot on the gas pedal, unfortunately for the dog, she put it in reverse. The two girls smirked after they heard the mutant dog yelp, after that, the eldest put it in drive and headed down the road again.

Now, Ivawn, the youngest, decided to turn on the radio for some quality music. She searched through all the stations until Suzanne finally got pissed and yelled at her to stop, so finally she settled for Sir MixaLot's "I like Big Butts"

"Ohhhh Yeaaaaaa!!" screamed the girl as she rolled down her window. She then stuck her head out and started screaming the lyrics horribly to the song.

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!! YOU OTHA BROTHAS CAN'T DENY!!"

"Shhhh, shhhh!" hissed the eldest as the slowed the car down. They were at the back of a huge mansion with a huge fence surrounding it. The two got out of the car and stepped out carefully. They had no idea where they were, so they decided to hop the fence and take a look around.

"Awww", Ivawn said, "Look at the puppies!" She motioned to a cage in the distance filled with what appeared to be undead guard dogs. Suzanne examined the animals closely, there were about a dozen, all mutilated and barking like crazy.

"I think they're lonely!", Suzanne concluded. Ivawn agreed and the two unlocked the cage. All of the beasts came flooding out and ran off into the distance, almost as if they were hunting down trespassers.

"Bye-bye baby doggies!!!" screamed the two girls as they waved at them.

Ivawn turned to Suzanne,

"Where do you think they're going?"

Suzanne shrugged,

"Dunno, but it would suck to be anyone in those woods!" The girls laughed and continued walking towards the house.

"We're soooo gonna get Wesker for leaving us behind. That'll teach that smexy Captain a thing of two." said Suzanne as she started to trudge up the fence and climb over it again.

"Smexy Albie better get ready for us!" laughed the youngest as the got to the top of the tall fence.

"Why do they need such high- SHIT!!" yelled the oldest as she fell onto the ground.

"Oh no! Are you okay?", Ivawn leaned over the fence to see her fallen comrade, then lost balance and landed on her partner.

Suzanne looked up at her with a horror-stricken look on her face.

"GET OFF ME NOW!!!" she threw Ivawn off of her and leaped onto her feet. The oldest dusted herself off and helped the other one up.

"It was an accident!" said Ivawn with tears forming in her eyes, "It's not my fault Rebecca and Jill have been making false accusations against me!"

"Sure they were false…" muttered Suzanne as she walked to the front door for the house.

"They really were! I swear it on my life!" just then, the two girls heard gun shots and yells. They hugged each other and started crying.

"G-ghosts!"

"It's locked!" cried Ivawn as she watched the oldest try at the door. How were they supposed to get into the damn mansion now!

"I got it!" Suzanne pulled out her samurai edge and shot the lock out. The she kicked open the double doors and closed them shut after they got inside.

As soon as they slammed the front doors shut, a man's scream could be heard from the far side of the mansion. The two looked at each other in fear.

"Should we….?", Ivawn broke the frightening silence. Suzanne responded,

"I guess…I mean….it is our job…"

They both swallowed. This didn't seem like any ordinary mission.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay! :D Writing this was very fun, and we hope you all enjoy it! You never hear much anymore about the mansion incident in the RE world, but we thought, "Why not make a parody?" So we did! Everything in the story is all in good humor. We're not TRYING to make anyone mad with this, just entertain. :) So please leave reviews and tell us what ya think, and keep an eye out for Chapter 2!


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